Every year at Christmas many of us look back misty-eyed at the year that is almost over and ask ourselves what we have achieved. How many of the promises we made to ourselves and others did we keep, how many of the changes we promised to make did we actually make, and how many of the things that we expected to happen actually happened? If you’re anything like me, the answer is, “I don’t remember.” Because we make all those promises and pledges in the glow of the festive season and the hope and romance of the New Year, and when January comes along we forget all about them and get on with our lives (while hiding the gym membership cards at the back of our wallets where nobody can see them).
What really matters to me is happiness. Am I still happy, and have I done my bit to make other people happy during the past year? Well, one way I measure happiness (and I know there are many others) is by the number of good laughs I have had over the year, and how many laughs I have given other people. I know laughing alone can’t make you happy, but it certainly makes the unhappiness go away for a while. So here, just in case you need them, are the 13 funniest one-liners I heard during the course of 2013 by my 13 favourite one-liner comedians. I genuinely hope you don’t need them!
Emo Philips: I was walking past a building site when a guy who was hammering up on the roof called me a paranoid little weirdo – in Morse code.
Bob Newhart: I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who DO like country music, denigrate means “put down”.
Jimmy Carr: I saw that show 50 Things to Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was “shout for help”.
Bob Monkhouse: When I said I was going to become a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they’re not laughing now are they?
Demetri Martin: The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Joan Rivers: I once dated a guy so dumb he couldn’t count to 21 unless he was naked.
Mitch Hedberg: Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realise that.
Tim Vine: You see I’m against hunting; in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Henny Youngman: My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
Anthony Jeselnik: I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family. The good news is it skips a generation. So, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
Steven Wright: I went into a restaurant and they had a sign that said “breakfast anytime”. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Bill Murray: 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.
Milton Jones: They say they want to phase out Roman numerals. Not on my watch.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from me and the Jakarta Comedy Club, and we hope to see you at one of our shows in 2014.